Mom.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. So for all you mom’s out there, I hope you had a wonderful day. You truly deserve to be celebrated.

Of course, I find it ironic that mothers get no more than 24 hours to be celebrated. If you do in your household, you are one lucky lady. My home likes to buy gifts to celebrate, and although they are freaking awesome gifts, they are all very dependent on me to take care of literally everything. I occasionally get the compliments to remind me that they know they couldn’t live without me, but good Lord they REALLY couldn’t.

I remember when I was growing up and we would ask my mom what she wanted for Mother’s Day, she would tell us a spa day away from home or a hotel room with room service and her own tv to watch what she wanted, and we would get so offended that she didn’t want to spend the day with us kids. I NOW GET IT. Boy do I ever! A hotel room where I don’t have to cook for anyone or do dishes, or laundry or clean, where I can eat what I want, watch what I want, sleep in, lay in bed all day, go to the spa, on my own time, stay up late, go to bed early, whatever I want. How truly remarkable that sounds! No butts to wipe, crying, pouting, attitude, dog hair…just a day to myself.

But instead, I’m sure like every other mom out there, we are selfless. We tell them that we would just like to spend the day with our children. We will wipe their butt, feed them food, listen to them pout and cry, watch what they want to watch, eat what they want to eat, wake up when they do and go to bed once they are asleep. Selfless. Deserving of a spa day and a hotel room but too selfless to take it. At least until they are older and out of the house. And then we miss those mothers days when they are home. When they make you cute handmade items and cards. When they snuggle with you after choosing a movie they want to watch. When they WANT to be around you.

I realized this year what little my family truly knows about me. I spend so much time going along with what they like to save time, to save argument. They know the things everyone around me knows- the country music I love, the Disney and Harry Potter and classic/vintage I love, the God I love, the kids I love, the life that I love but that they have lost interest in finding out the tiny details of me. And to be honest, I don’t know if they don’t know these things or just don’t care because I have never let it matter before. But for one day a year, it SHOULD matter dang it. My Pastor yesterday said it in a perfect way, “It shows that we value what SHE values.”

Like I said earlier, my husband is an excellent gift giver. He makes sure to get me what I want, material gifts. My 6 year old daughter loves to write notes and cards and draw so of course I get the cutest cards anyone could ever get. And in the end, the best gift ever given was the two girls I get to call mine. To be a mommy. And trust me when I say that I don’t take that for granted. I spent over a year trying for my first and spent over 3 years trying for my second with an angel baby in between. I birthed 3, the 2nd being at 18 1/2 weeks with fingers and toes and an angelic face and spine. I held that tiny baby in my hands and cried harder than I ever could have imagined. I would not wish that on my biggest enemy. The struggle of every month hoping for a positive test, only to wake up with a period is almost unbearable. The fertility medications, I never thought I would have to take, gave me cramps down my legs and migraines for days, gave me a roller coaster of emotions greater than the hormones of pregnancy, but we’re all worth it in the end. Because I got to be a mom again because of them.

And I will not tread lightly on this topic. I’m sorry if you are offended but the pains that I went through, the sleepless nights, the selflessness, it’s all deserving to be celebrated. And for the women out there that cannot physically have a baby, there are so many children out there waiting for a mommy to take them home. We are currently halfway through the adoption process for a child ourselves. We had to have that hard conversation of “What if we can’t have another one of our own?” That doesn’t mean I can’t be a mom again. But once we found out we were pregnant, the agency required us to put the process on hold until our child was at an older age. And I still hope that we can one day bring that child home that God has planned for us. Because she needs us. And I will be selfless for her. And love her like my own that I birthed.

I love being a mom. And although my Mother’s Day this year did not go at all the way I had “expected” or REALLY wanted it to go, it was still better than last year when we were all sick in bed. And the year before that when I was miserably pregnant. Or the year before that when I didn’t think I could have another baby. Or my first Mother’s Day when I was stuck at work all day and unable to be with my family and my new FIRST baby. So one day when my kids are older and out of the house, I will take that hotel room and spa day. But for now I will treasure those selfless moments. They are blessings from God. I will cherish those handmade cards and giant custom pillows. Because they reveal their love for me. And I will watch what they want and eat what they want. Because they WANT to be with me and I know as they get older there will be times when they don’t, so for now I will treasure that. After all…I am a mom. Selfless and loving. The way God created us moms to be.

Thank you Jesus for creating us that way. And for blessing me with my own mom who taught me that. And for my girls who I will raise with the same love and selflessness that she did. And I truly hope that I can watch my daughters raise their kids the same way. That is my legacy I hope to leave.

The RAW me, Audra