Years ago I took a Landmark Education Workshop called the Landmark Forum. It was a weekend seminar that helped me clear out the junk in my head and allow myself to open for growth and success. It was an amazing experience and the first seminar I’ve ever taken to help myself become a better version of me. You can call it self help, you can call it whatever you want. I call it a requirement for my life and should be for everyone’s, especially for these new generations of “adults”. One of the aspects that have stuck with me to this day is what they called a “racket” or a story you created in your head about a certain event or conversation that took place in your life. You see, my husband and I can have the exact same conversation with each other but his interpretation can be completely different than mine. We each have our own brains and our own personalities so we may leave that conversation feeling opposite the other based off our “racket” we write in our own heads. He may leave feeling relieved while I may leave feeling like he just attacked me. That is the “racket” I have began running in my head. And until I clear that “racket” out of my head, the more stories I write in my head and will continue to build and build my frustration until I become a ticking time bomb and explode. And I have a bad habit of doing that, just ask my husband! I’m that quiet wife with the “it’s fine” responses until it most certainly is NOT fine. Oops! Communication may be my #4 strength from my STRENGTHFINDERS test but it most certainly is NOT #1!
For Mother’s Day this year, my husband bought me a very thoughtful gift. One I didn’t put in my Amazon cart myself, might I add. I’m very proud of him for this thoughtful little gift and started it today. It’s a book (I know shocking! Me and books!) called “Tell me your life story, mom) and is a journal full of questions and memory keepsakes for me to fill out and pass along to my girls. I love it! One of the reasons I love it so much is because I don’t have many memories of my grandparents and my parents don’t have many memories of theirs also. My family history isn’t very complete I’m my head and it makes me sad. I am proud of my family and all of the struggles they went through to bring about where I am today. From what I’ve been told in my past, my maternal grandfathers family dates back to the mayflower while my maternal grandmothers parents met on a boat escaping Hungary. Her mother was a cook for a wealthy family in New York and her father ran a grocery store. This all I know from personal stories my grandmother told me while I spent years taking care of her in her 90’s while struggling with dementia. She couldn’t tell you what she ate for breakfast but she could tell you her address growing up and all of her siblings names and where she met my grandpa. Pretty cool!
Recently I have been talking a lot with my dad about his side of the family which has been a lot of fun! The things I didn’t know are painting a clearer and different picture than I had before! Even painting a different picture of my childhood growing up. The “rackets” I ran in my head about my childhood are now being brought to light and changing the way I see my family! The sacrifices my parents made, my grandparents made, the fun they all had…I never knew! And all it took was asking them questions. Allowing myself quality time to sit with my dad and learn about my family history. It doesn’t happen all that often, but when it does- jewels come out of the dust!
My dad and I didn’t have a great relationship for a period of my childhood. The “racket” I created in my head pulled me away from a meaningful relationship with him. Once I took the Landmark Forum, it helped open my eyes to my views of him instead of what was really the truth. I remember calling him during my break time and crying my eyes out and apologizing for the way I’ve acted and treated him. That day changed our relationship completely! Now that I am grown up and have daughters of my own, I see exactly why he was so tough on me. Not only did he want to keep me safe from this crazy world we live in, but he saw potential in me that I didn’t see! I was never abused, my parents have a solid marriage of over 40 years now, we grew up in church with friends and sports and Girl Scouts and sea world days and Disneyland every year. My parents have always loved me and my brother! But the “racket” I created growing up took me away from a quality relationship with him where I could have learned all those memories years ago. So I’m making up for it now. I am fortunate to have both of my parents alive, living only an hour away and being so very present in my life and my daughters lives. What a blessing God has bestowed upon me! I will NOT take it for granted. Now, I only hear stories during our conversations, NOT “rackets”.
The REAL me, Audra
Against the Grain 