I’m hoping that many of you read that title and started singing in your head, otherwise I’ve dated myself more than I’d like. Either way, now I’m singing it my head and most likely will continue to do so the rest of the day. But I’m okay with that. The truth is, there have been many days where I would have preferred to have a song stuck on repeat in my brain than all the wild and crazy thoughts that continued to deter me from my reality. It’s been chaos in there, I’m not going to lie. Inside my head has been a 3 ring circus…or maybe more like a 12 ring circus. Homeschool, softball, cheer, dirt bike racing, camping, holidays, birthdays, a full blown toddler, wife, mom, daughter, friend, an aging grandparent that lives with us, dogs, a home, cars, when was the last time I showered? When was the last time the kids showered?
I’ve now reached my full capacity. And luckily I’ve continued my routine of 7 am wake up, coffee and my own reading time before the kids get up, that I have read enough books over the past year on boundaries and self-worth and many women out there just like me, to know it’s time to STOP this crazy train. Why do we let this chaos happen? More so, why do we let it CONTINUE? The amount of nights I have gone to bed with a migraine or sat in my closet in silence, hiding from my kids while I “change my clothes” (as I’ve told my kids so they would leave me alone for one freaking minute). And then the snuggles before bed came and I felt like a horrible mother for acting the way I did throughout the day. It’s a flipping roller coaster. It’s bumper cars. Every day. WHY?!
We are human. We have emotions. And through many of the books I’ve read recently, it’s important to allow those emotions to happen, so they can be fulfilled and you can move on. But when is enough…enough? We cannot camp out in a season of negative emotions. We cannot live there. We must continue on. Otherwise the depression sets in, along with resentment and anger and eventually many things you will regret down the road. It’s a dangerous journey with a sad ending. One I will not let myself go down. Thank God!
And as I sit here, the birds are chirping, the sun is shining, my two giant muts are snuggling on the couch with me, I have peace and quiet before the monsters get up and I make them French toast and we go worship God. I am truly thankful for the life I have. The one God blessed me with. The one I never dreamt was possible for me. That is a constant thought in my life and it’s kept me sane. It’s kept me from traveling down that dangerous road. I have not let depression set in. I am stronger than that. Because I continue to tell myself I am. It’s amazing the words you tell yourself and how powerful they are. How convincing they are. How amazing, or the opposite, dangerous they are! Why do we allow ourselves to say negative things that we could never say to another person. Why do we tear our own selves down? We are each beautiful, created in God’s own image. Why must we tell ourselves otherwise?
It’s time to get off that crazy train. It’s time to start looking at your beauty every day and embrace it. It’s time to realize your worth and set boundaries to protect yourself. It’s amazing the life you can have if you do this! I know because I am in that process currently.
This has been my first post in a very long time, as I had to set boundaries for myself last year to simplify my life and learn to say no, while now I am setting new boundaries to add in things that make my life better. I am bringing myself back to reality, but this reality is one I no longer wish to hide from. The new me, the better me, the happy me, the REAL me. Thank you for being a part of my journey. This is no longer a crazy train, but a beautiful journey along the road that’s less travelled. And I hope you will continue this journey with me! One that is not sedated or suppressed. To live freely, out in the open, unafraid to show our true colors and defend our freedoms of life, liberty and the pursuit of our own happiness! It’s a God-given right and one YOU DESERVE! I cannot wait to see where this road takes each of us, all of us, together. Thank you for agreeing to BE you, while I am making a commitment to BE me. Raw, unfiltered, beauty-ful. Exactly the way God made each of us.
With love and gratitude,
Audra
Against the Grain 