Caught in the act!

Goodmorning friends!

For those of you who read my post 2 days ago, I talked about being stubborn and strong and standing up for what you believe in. I talked about how I do things despite being told no. But what I didn’t mention is that the most No’s that I get, are from myself. I can’t tell you the amount of times that I tell myself no- that I’m not smart enough, that I don’t have enough time, that I don’t deserve it. And as I began reading my morning chapters from books written by other women, they happen to all be saying the same thing- it’s time to say YES! Yes to yourself! Yes to YOUR time! Yes to YOUR importance! So I have, because I realized the monster I have created by saying no to myself. The weak scared monster who can’t do anything big herself, but does all the little things herself to make up for it. I make sure my home looks like Better Homes and Gardens EVERY night before bed. I make sure the play room is cleaned up EVERY time we are done playing in there. I waste SO MUCH time on the things that don’t matter, that I never have time for the things that do. And guess what…THATS MY FAULT! I’ve allowed people to always expect me- expect me to be the one who always goes the extra mile. And I do it for every little reason that when the time comes that someone needs me for a big reason, I’m unavailable. I’m exhausted. I’m in my own pit of despair.

I had taken a hiatus from social media this year because I was overstimulated. My plan was to do one month in January but as January closed, I felt I needed more time to focus and improve my own mental health. Social media was draining me. I cared so much about what everyone thought. I took things personal that weren’t even for me! I wanted everyone to see the perfection and not see the chaos. It’s almost May and I am still not in a rush to go back, and will certainly not being going back to how I used to use it. It will be limited. It will be filtered to charge my batteries and not drain them.

Currently, the most exhaustion comes from inside my own home. But you couldn’t tell because I keep it so clean, because I put everything in drawers. Including my problems. My family has become so comfortable with the me I created. I pick everything up for them, I do everything for them. And I have become so busy doing all the little things that I miss out on the fun. I miss out on the memories, the bonding, the connection. I was so mad at my husband a few weeks ago because he gave our daughter the player of the game pin and I missed it! In my defense I was cleaning up the dugout for the next team to play, but in reality- I was doing the little things that I felt were important in that moment. But I could have easily stopped what I was doing and been in the moment. Cheered our daughter on, taken pictures with her. Instead I went to the car and cried because I missed it. BUT THAT WAS MY FAULT! Do I wish he would have made sure I was present? Sure! But I’m a grown adult- that’s my responsibility! So this week I have begun taking a step back from the little things and am working on being present for the big things. What is REALLY important? What do I WANT to do? Yesterday, while our baby was sleeping, I tasked my husband with homeschooling our older daughter so I could go get my nails done. I did me! And I didn’t even rush home! I got gas in my car and grocery shopped. And it all worked out! My husband almost lost his mind, but the kids were alive and my nails look great! And you wanna know what else? The play room is still a mess this morning! And I’m okay with that!

So now for the final story. The one that relates to the title, and if you read my last blog, you would know what I am talking about. So if you don’t know, go read it and come back! ::wink:: I’m only half kidding, of course I would love for you to read more of my blog, but I won’t make you do that right now. The cliff notes are that I thought my husbands truck hates me and only breaks down for me. So I gave him the ultimatum, me or her. He didn’t believe me! So yesterday morning, we loaded up the kids and what we needed for the DMV appointment in the truck and guess what?! He caught her red handed! She wouldn’t start! For him, not me! And I shrieked with excitement and even did some weird Irish jig in the middle of the road…because he had caught her in the act! I had won! Boom! He has now made his choice…and it’s NOT her! 🙂

The REAL me, Audra

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